Every year today, I write a blog post spilling out the feelings of me looking back at the last year, and moving forward with the year to come. Typically a “cheerleadery” spirit fingers in your face type of post. This post is a tad different this year. It is acting more like a “check yo-self girl” post.
This time last year, I promised myself to Live Outside The Box. I went on and on with statements to myself and my readers saying that I was going to do things different, and unlike any other designer. I was going to open up and bloom like a flower…. Well up until this week I am calling bull-shit on myself.
During the year I struggled. And I mean struggled like a muther.
I constantly compared myself to others. Questioning why I was not further along in my business and career. I felt like with all of the opportunities that I was given, why didn’t I make so much more out of my situation? I beat myself up about my weight creeping up, calling myself horrible names. I totally ignored my husbands daily compliments and his attempts to hold me tighter at night. I failed to take his public displays of affection and his words of admiration with any validity. I even went so far as to tell him “You are just saying I am gorgeous because you are supposed to as my husband.” WHAT-THE-WHAT?!
It took a total stranger to say – “He is right, you are beautiful” for me to apologize and get it. He loves his wife and he does not want anyone including me talkin shit and speaking untruths about her. Damn y’all I was a hot mess.
Speaking of my husband. I spent 2014 in fear of whats to come. Not too many people know that he has been seeking steady employment for slightly over a year now. With me being a business owner and income going up and down like a roller coaster, I felt the pressure. I mean pressure, to the point of me up at God unspeakable hours in the morning in paralyzing fear.
I worried about not having enough clients. I worried about not charging them enough, or too much. I worried about not having a series on the network (YET). With all that worry I became resentful of him (my husband). I let the words of friends comments like “He is supposed to be the bread-winner, it’s un-natural!” further weigh down that resentment. I learned a valuable lesson with that – DO NOT LET OTHER PEOPLES OPINION’S OF YOUR MARRIAGE INFLUENCE YOU. Especially when those telling me those opinions ain’t even married themselves. It was my fault t00, for talking about the most personal area of my life with them – my marriage. For that I owe my husband a huge apology.
As you can see in 2014 instead of living outside the box, I barely well…. lived. I feel as if I missed an entire year of my life asleep or something! Like I lived numb or in a state of constant “on alert” for the bad news to happen in 2014. I was doing the exact opposite of living – I felt dead this past year.
I can count on two hands the number of times I went to church. Well, I went last Sunday with an open mind and an even more open heart. I received a message that smacked me upside my head… It was simply to adjust my perspective.
I have been living in tunnel vision the entire flippin year! I have only focused on the problems in front of me versus looking at the entire picture of my life. I have been basically focused on one single brush stroke versus the entire bueatiful piece of art. And that peice of art was my beautiful life.
So as of Sunday, I have been making a list of counting my blessings. I am at over 200. Some I am listing below:
- #53. I was named one of the TOP 20 AFRICAN AMERICAN INTERIOR DESIGNERS IN THE COUNTRY.
- #116. I got to meet and get to know Mr. T!!! WHO IN THE HELL CAN SAY THAT!?
- #10. Both my parents are still alive and KICKIN.
- #11. I am very close with my family. And they are close to me.
- #5. I had diabetes. (It’s gone now) Because of that I can take care of a son with Type 1 Diabetes.
- #26. I am married to a man who loves me to the moon and back!
- #211. We have amazing people in our lives. Who got up in the cold and walked 3 miles to support the JDRF!
- #2 I get to wake up to those weirdos every morning and I LOVE IT!
Then in turn, I made a list of my problems – there were two on the list. And both are situations that can be changed in a day and a circumstance.
In 2015 I am not resolving but evolving, to Always have a Wider Perspective. I am approaching life knowing that the shit will happen. I am going to be on my knees thanking God everyday for the shit that didn’t happen! I am going to keep this list of over 200 and add to it frequently. I am vowing to use setbacks and circumstances as learning tools, vs crap that keeps me up at night.